You came to Bali the very next day you finished filming your drama [“Heart to Heart”], I think it must have been a turning point for you. You said once that filiming this drama got you feeling that you were chaning. Is this change still going on today?
To be honest, my mindset had already changed a lot before this drama. I started filming this drama with this mindset already changed, so it was really meaningful from an “experience” perspective. How to say it…. Like I figured out the way to let go? A feeling of giving a punch I was holding back? I don’t mean it as in reaching a point to lose passion. I mean I figured out how to relieve the stress and let go of anxiety. I thought being passionate was only about giving a punch. I realized that what’s left once you got rid of the tension is what passion truly is about.
Did this sudden change of mindset happen on a particular occasion?
After I was done filming “7-Level Civil Agent”, I don’t know exactly what it was, but I felt very depressed to the point that I even scared myself. One day, I spent the entire night filming and my heart started beating like crazy. I wanted to cry, I wanted to run away. When I was with other people, I held it in and I didn’t show it at all, but when I went home, I cried.
You experienced some kind of panic moments.
I think that’s what it was. And it was just about everything [?]. It wasn’t just when I was on set. I put up with myself. As I met God, I found inner stability. Religion really helped me a lot. It gave me healing and I felt freer. That’s why I’m not embarrassed to talk about it in public. In the past, I thought I wouldn’t look fun and I was embarrassed to say that I would regularly go to church. Now, I really like it and I brag about it. During filming, I also attended the sunrise service. Church is to me what a telephone booth was to Superman. Once I walk in, all the tension is gone and I walk out after I turned into a new me.
By any chance, did you experience some kind of trauma like Hong Do did?
I really don’t know, just like Hong Do didn’t know either the cause of her mental condition. I can’t get close to people real fast. On the outside, it seems like I’m getting along fine with people, but it’s difficult for me to face other people. The fact that I walk around without looking people and I avoid them might make me look like I have a 4D personality. It didn’t happen because of one particular occasion, I wonder if it’s not because I accumulated hurtful experiences. There was a time in the past when I thought it was actually cool. This sticky nuance of stuff like loneliness, depression, cigarette’s smoke, alcohol, darkness.
I thought the same when I was a kid. How is it okay to live without knowing the dark side of the world, of life, of culture?
Even worse. Some people felt pathetic because they get up after a good night of sleep. They say things like “I don’t know the night world!”, haha. They might have thoughts like “being in a dark mood that I listen to music all by myself, I feel blue all by myself, I don’t know what this feeling is, I should know it”. Still, it shouldn’t be that. Now, I like the “light”. As I thought that darkness suit me better, I was unwilling to reveal myself. Now, I’m getting to like the light, there are things about myself that I reveal and I’m being more carefree, so I realize that I don’t want to feel this darkness anymore. I began to see myself. Regardless of becoming famous and being popular, I wanted to hide herself. It wasn’t because I was hated by someone, it was because I didn’t love myself.
Now that you love yourself, I think you might also direct this love toward others too.
I’m working really hard with the association “Patch Korea”. I even became the representative. My interest in people grew. I think that’s how it is if you want to rescue, if you want to save people. I hope people who are entrapped with themselves just like I was will find freedom. To be honest, we live in a time when it can be embarrassing to say that you do this kind of activities. Because I wondered if my hesitation wouldn’t show in my behavior, I don’t care anymore how people will perceive me.
You said you also give lectures with Patch Korea. I wonder what your lectures are about.
Saying that it’s a lecture isn’t really about teaching people. It’s about sharing stories of the time when I was in a dark place in my mind. I was like that too, I was in a dark place, but this is what I did and I healed, I overcame all this. This is the story I share;
Translation: @onesunnylady – thesunnytown.wordpress.com